Is This What A Quarter-Life Crisis Feels Like?

Wednesday, May 23, 2018


I'm kidding. Kind of.

When I mentioned in a post in March that I've been going to my gym for six years, it kind of sent me down a rabbit hole.

I sat in my car in the gym parking lot thinking about how I started my membership as a 19-year-old college student. I chose that place because I knew nothing about gyms and my parents went to this one, which would give me a discount.

Now, at 25 years old with a full-time job and no longer living with my parents, I'm still going to that same gym. That's not a bad thing – I go because I like that place specifically. If I didn't, I'd sign up elsewhere. But I was thinking about it because I can't believe it's already been six years. And I don't like the thought of another six years going by just as quickly, or more. I thought about me being 40 and still going to the same gym I've gone to since I was in college. I don't like it.

I don't think I want to be in the same place my entire life. (Plus, quite simply, I don't like winter that much, so why would I live somewhere with some of the harshest winters for the rest of my life?)

I like having distinct chapters to my life. I don't want years to ever blur together, feeling like they've slipped through my fingers before I could ever really grab a hold of them. So far, I've had pronounced stepping stones. Different environments, different events, signifying forward movement. Graduating college. Then living on my own. Then living with my boyfriend. And then...?

I sat in my car and realized, I think I want to move. One day.

I'm afraid to write that out. It feels like I'm signing a contract after only having read the first three lines. Look, I don't know where I'll end up or when. Maybe I'll change my mind. All I know is that right now, in this moment, I think that one day, I want to move somewhere else. Somewhere that's not Illinois.

Of course I've thought about the timeline.
Of course I spent a few days overthinking this.
That's where the crisis feeling comes in.

I'm moving at the end of the summer and would probably be at that new place for a while.
But if I move to a different state, I'd have to move before I have kids, right? To make sure I'm settled?
Or I guess you have until your kid is starting school to really get settled somewhere. It isn't until then that it'd feel like they're being uprooted.
So... that's like eight years from now at least and I'm already freaking out about it? (Don't get me started on the estimated age I'll have kids.)
I want to move but I also want to be near my family, especially when I have kids, but I can't have both, and that stresses me out.
Plus, moving out of state means having to find a job there first, which is obviously very difficult.
Moving out of state is a lot of work.
But I don't want to let that stop me.

Do you see how nuts my mind is? One tiny seed of an idea is planted and my brain powers into overdrive to get everything plotted out.

I'm a planner. I can't help it.

There's no neat, tidy wrap-up to this post. It's genuinely just me saying: Here's what I'm freaking out about right now. Life, am I right?

I like to think I've gotten pretty good at deciphering the different meanings of the butterflies in my stomach, though. I can identify whether they're the I Don't Want To Do This flutters or the I'm Afraid Because I Actually Do Want To Do This flutters.

And shit, I think this might be the second kind.


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